The Will to do More

We're almost there... in little over two weeks we'll load onto the plane and leave this country that we've grown to love. The craziness of trying to finish the unfinished, accomplish the un-accomplished, and greet the un-greeted is in full swing. The burden of time is weighing on us... it feels like there's so much left to do. Regardless of what we have accomplished, there's always that feeling that we could have and should have done more.

We ask ourselves questions like "Should we have pushed ourselves on the weekend instead of relaxing at Kumbya or resting at home?" or "Should we have used the money we spent on 'such-and-such' and used it the help someone here instead?"

Don't get me wrong, we are aware of the good we've done here... The things we've accomplished at the hospital and mission... helping children stay free from disease or malnourishment... helping children get an education by providing an opportunity to go to school... helping adults have a brighter future by assisting them with financial means to go to university... helping widows and orphan children by providing clean burning stoves, food, water purifiers, and medical insurance… Many of these we didn't budget for. In many cases, we made sacrifices to assist someone else in need.

But, in actuality, the above victories aren't ours at all. All the honor and glory goes straight to God! He is the reason we're here; He's the reason we have the necessary skills to accomplish all that we have here; He's the one that gave us strength; He's the one that gave us the necessary funds; He's the one that put those that are listed above in front of us; and He's the one that moved us to help them.

So why do we feel this way? Why do we feel like we could've done more? I believe it's because God made us that way. The pain and suffering of His people breaks His heart, and He wants to use those of us that are able, to help those that are in need. It's a feeling we should all have, not just missionaries about to leave the country they're serving in. We should feel the will to do more because we know there's more around us that needs to be done. But we must realize that the feeling is positive, not negative. God gives us the will and strength to do more. Satan gives us feelings of being insufficient for not doing enough.

As difficult as it is, we shouldn't mistake the feeling of wanting to do more with feelings of inadequacy. God knows our time here in Rwanda is coming to a close. At that time, we know He will use our willingness to serve and will turn those feelings of "wanting to do more" to light a fire for something else He has lined up for us to do in Texas.

In the mean time, we know that we'll be super busy over our last 2 weeks here. We will dearly miss our friends and colleagues here in Rwanda, but we're super excited to see what He has in store for us in the future! Regardless of what it is or where we are, we are ready and willing to do more for Him!

Mixed Emotions

We're quickly approaching the 1 month mark before leaving Rwanda and heading back to Texas! As we start our 30 day countdown in just a few days, the emotions typically associated with leaving a place you call home are starting to surface.

The #1 thing that we're super excited about when returning home is that we will get to see all our family and friends that we've dearly missed... but we're also extremely sad to leave our friends and colleagues here, many who have become like family to us.

Yes, we were sad to leave our family and friends in Texas when we came to Rwanda 14 months ago, but this, at least to me, feels a little different. I think the main reason is that, when we left Texas, we knew with a great deal of certainty that we would see everyone there again. This time, however, we know that we might possibly be saying our final face-to-face goodbye to everyone here. It's a reality that is hard to think about, but is starting to set in.

We're also super excited to see our church family at KFUMC... but it will also a bit strange as much of the clergy and staff has changed while we were gone. Much of those that are no longer at KFUMC were our mentors and guides as we were getting ready to start our global missions work. We know we will be accepted with open arms when we return, and are positive that we will develop new friendships with the new staff members, but there's still a slight sense of uncertainty as to what it will be like when we arrive.

We're definitely looking forward to the good food that we've been missing. It's amazing how much one can miss certain restaurants and grocery store items. As much as we're looking forward to enjoying those foods, we'll also greatly miss the fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as many of the other dishes we've grown to love here.

We are excited to see Kerrville and the rest of the Texas Hill Country, especially now that most of the rivers, creeks and lakes have water again... but the beauty here in Rwanda, particularly the great view from our house, is breathtaking and will be greatly missed. I will miss eating fresh fruit every morning while looking out over the awesome scenery God made for us here.

One thing we're not looking forward to is entering into the hot Texas summer heat. We are trying to prepare ourselves, but the year around weather here in Rwanda is mid-70's to mid 80's as the high during the day, so all we can do is prepare mentally. Going from 80 degrees to 100 degrees might take a bit of getting used to.

Adjusting from "Africa time" to America time might prove to be a little tough and might take some getting used to as well. I'm not just talking about the 7 hour time difference that is sure to cause a bit of jet-lag for a week or so... I'm talking more about the laid back "if I say 1:00 I really mean 1:30 or 1:45 kind of "African time." Things are much more laid back here than they are in the states. Please be patient as we adjust our internal clocks.

We will miss being able to walk to work and friends homes, the super rough road to Kumbya, the 6 hour trips to Kigali, leaving all the windows in the house open 24/7, the awesome thunder and lightning storms during rainy season, the Land Cruiser, watching movies on the projector, friends dropping by unannounced, playing games as a family, visiting families and individuals that we support, and much, much more.

Much like when we first arrived here, we will go through a period of transition when we return to the states. We experienced culture shock here, and are preparing for reverse culture shock when we return home.

Macy brought home this poem called "I Am Green" from RVA on her last break:

I grew up in a Blue Country.
My parents grew up in a Yellow Country.
They tell me I am Yellow.
And sometimes we go to visit Yellow Country.

When I am in Yellow Country
I go to school with the Yellow kids.
I dress like the Yellow kids.
And I talk like the Yellow kids.

But when I am in Blue Country
I go to school with the Blue kids.
I dress like the Blue kids.
And I talk like the Blue kids.

Sometimes when I am in Yellow Country
I really miss the Blue ways.
I guess that the things that I do and say
Are really rather Bluish in color.

In the same way, when I am in Blue Country
There are things I miss about Yellow Country.
And I am sure the things I do and say
Appear rather Yellowish is color.

All the changing around is so confusing.
Blue or Yellow? Who am I really?
I wonder if there is a place where I could just be me,
Where the Blue and the Yellow could just run free.

Sometimes when I am flying between the two places
I want to stay up there in the middle of all the races.
If only I could stop some place in between.
If only I could just be GREEN!

Even though we will have only been in Africa for 15 months, we feel it's a good poem that gives us (and you) a sense of how we might feel when we first arrive. Please join us in praying for a smooth transition for all of us!

We are ready, though. We can't wait to land in San Antonio and drive to Kerrville. We are so looking forward to seeing everyone, sharing stories, sleeping on soft beds, driving on smooth, straight roads, eating delicious meals, attending English church services, shopping at real stores that are less than 6 hours away, not having to double filter water before drinking it, having a full size fridge, having reliable power, and so, so much more.

Just over 30 days to go. The countdown is on.